emotionalhunger

we laughed away the sunburn
as we laughed away the day.
what we lost means nothing,
for the memories will stay.


everything is a mess. my mind, heart and body can't agree on anything, and it's all coming so fast. detatchment from the world. beating bodies under hot lights. beautiful dresses swaying lightly in the breeze, car doors, happy dogs, lecherous friends, and no friends at all.
living in a storage area above a flight of crooked stairs where the baby moans all night for its momma and all she wants to do is just rest. these are the things i dread, as well as the broken connections of creation and the lonliness of it all.
the feelings are so familair, only this time, i can't seem to shake any of it.
a silk tie slithered down the dashboard and onto the floor as i looked into his eyes. were there tears there? (i won't, not anymore.) wanting to reach out a hand and grasp all the pain and swallow it away. the baby can take care of it, the baby is a magical being. we are far too lost to regenerate on our own.
but it's different for the woman. she serves her sentence dutifully, with shame and honor somehow coupled in that fierce gaze, hoping still that someone would just open the window and let in a little light.
i lied.
i do cry, and regularly,
probably more than i eat and it breaks my heart to see it all coming together like this, to be so far removed from regularity and still only wanting that moment of rest in someone's arms between clean blue sheets.
i saw his picture today and the memories flooded in faster than i could dismiss them, the memories that i held onto for a year, sustaining my emotionalhunger with phantoms of the past but now i am
s
t
a
r
v
i
n
g
for everything that has gone away. it has not been the same in years, i have not been the same in years and everyday when i wake up there is a stranger in my clothes and skin and that stranger makes me say things i never would. the stranger vibrates all the wrong energy and i sit somewhere in the recesses of memory and try to undo all the bad. i want someone who can hear me when i can't talk,
i'm not strong enough to be alive out here. i crumble under the slightest pressure.
"it's like you have no skin," he said to me sadly, not worried for my sake but because i can no longer stand up to his attacks. where will the relationship go then from here? it's slowly drifted away in the conversational gaps, in the drinks shared with other women, in the obligations fulfilled before basic need.

and i'm so hungry

but it's too hard to describe when there are holes inside of you for things you don't normally need to eat,to feed thesoul with another strong soul, needing fortification, supplementation, elevation onto a higher level. i need to feed my soulbaby with goodness and so many other things i lack, because my chemical makeup has changed. my body belongs to another, my heart belongs to another, my life belongs to another.
but i belong to noone. i have come to rest weary wings in a concealed mind, there it is sometimes quiet enough to have a moment of absurd happiness. there lies the only unconquered wilderness in which i had once thrived.